What is the appropriate response when a child misbehaves? Many parents believe that if they can just find the ‘right’ consequence, they can eliminate undesirable behavior. Though consequences are necessary at times, they are not the key factor needed to achieve effective, sustainable, positive behavior in children. Often, parental attempts to manage misbehavior become an endless game of “Whack-a-Mole” (misbehavior, consequence; misbehavior, consequence; and so on and so on…). Eventually, parents run out of options and patience. The bottom line: From age 3 onward, children who frequently misbehave do so because their parents permit it.
Parents who find themselves caught up in a “whack-a-mole” cycle of discipline have not established themselves as genuine leaders of the family. One of the greatest mistakes that parents make is thinking they can demand respect from their children. Demanding respect involves threatening and/or punishing. Effective leaders do not demand respect; they command it. Commanding respect stems from others admiring your actions and willingly following your guidance; a process that occurs over time and is rooted in trust. Parents of well-behaved children have gained their children's respect and trust. Children who respect their parents trust that their parents know what is best for them.
Enacting consequences should not be the first line of defense. It is more beneficial for parents to master key components of communication that effective leaders possess such as word choice, tone of voice and active listening. Below is a list of steps to follow when speaking to a child; steps that set the stage for attentive, active listening:
Teach your child to look others in the eye when speaking or being spoken to.
Once you have your child's full attention, speak in a calm, clear, sincere, authoritative tone.
Say what you mean, mean what you say; say it one time. Repeating often reinforces poor listening.
When addressing misbehavior, use as few words as possible. Less is more!
When correcting a child, cite the misbehavior and state the consequence (if applicable) in a matter-of-fact manner.
Let your child know that you expect him/her to do the right thing going forward and that you trust that will be the case. No discussion needed.
Many parents today rely on threats, bribes, giving in, or giving up in response to their children’s misbehaviors. For some, consequences are their primary disciplinary method. For more than a few parents, however, consequences prove to be insufficient because they fear being too harsh. Parents who misguidedly aim to be their child's friend or worry that their child will dislike them fall into this category. Threats, bribes, giving in, and/or giving up demonstrate no leadership at all. To be optimally effective, consequences should be applied sparingly and with thoughtful consideration.
Below are five important Core Understandings About Consequences:
1. When it comes to disciplining children, consequences are not the end-all-be-all.
2. Relying excessively on consequences to address misbehavior indicates a lack of parental leadership.
3. Consequences may be justified when a child intentionally misbehaves in ways that demonstrate a lack of reasonable, age-appropriate responsibility and/or disrespect for parental authority.
4. Consequences that are highly meaningful to the child are most effective in preventing future misbehavior (i.e., forgoing a birthday party, a sleepover, driving privileges).
5. Consequences should get the child’s attention in a BIG way.
Since young children have no preconceived understanding of consequences, parents are well-advised to begin the practice of implementing firm, exacting consequences early in a child’s life. A consequence that is too ‘soft’ virtually guarantees the misbehavior will recur.
[Psychologist John Rosemond advocates that the punishment should exceed the severity of the crime. If the 'crime' ranks a 3 on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the most severe, the punishment should rank at least a 6-7.]
Example: If you permit your 9-year-old to cycle to a friend’s house nearby but later discover that he/she rode to another friend’s house in different area of the neighborhood without permission, removing all bike privileges for a month will have a much greater impact than taking them away for 3 days.
Important to Note:
Misbehaviors in toddlers (under age 3) must be addressed when the behavior occurs and generally involve strategies such as removing the child from the situation, short time-outs behind a gate, redirecting, using a firm, stern tone of voice, etc. Between 3-3.5 years, most children can remember events that occurred the previous day. As such, consequences for misbehavior can be delayed up to 24 hours.
Example: if a child misbehaves on a Thursday, and an event highly meaningful to the child is scheduled for Friday, forbidding the child to participate in the Friday event would constitute a more meaningful and more effective consequence.
Though timely consequences are ideal, if a more meaningful consequence requires that implementation be delayed, below is a general 'rule-of-thumb' guide by age:
5-6 years old (3 days)
7-9 years old (up to a week)
10-12 years old (2-4 weeks)
teenagers (months)
Effective parents provide their children with a sense of security that enables them to flourish. When behavioral expectations are unpredictable and enforcement is inconsistent, children may feel like they are chasing a moving target or dodging bullets (avoiding problems), making them feel less secure. Ultimately, parents who struggle with discipline must recognize that their approach is ineffective and commit to making the changes necessary to become the loving, authoritative leaders their children need and deserve.
© Sharon Knapp Lamberth, March 29, 2021
Enjoyed the Part 2 article! Great consequence guidelines!