Dealing with misbehavior in their children is an ongoing struggle for many parents today. Certainly, numerous societal factors impact how families function. However, the reality is that parents have struggled to effectively discipline their children for more than two generations.
In my work as a parent coach, requests for discipline assistance arrive daily. The concerns confirm that many parents find child-rearing to be extremely stressful. This is understandable, given that much of their time is spent trying to get their child(ren) to comply with even the simplest of directives.
Why Do They Act That Way?
Developmentally, by age 3 (barring extenuating circumstances), children are capable of following age-appropriate directions the first time they are given. Parents who repeat directions to a child 3 years of age or older, or succumb to bribing the child into cooperating, are effectively allowing the child to take control. This scenario is common in many households. The tail is wagging the dog - the parents being the dog and the child being the tail. This type of dynamic not only exhausts the parents but also sends a clear message to the child that he/she is in control. Many parents admit to 'turning a deaf ear,' claiming to not have heard a comment, delaying, or even avoiding as a way of controlling a situation. When children find success in displaying similar behaviors, they will also apply them as a way of exerting control.
Growing up involves progressively gaining independence. Over the course of 18-21 years, it is the job of parents to effectively lead their children from complete dependence (infancy) to full independence (adulthood). Ideally, by the time children reach adulthood, they should be prepared to independently take control of their own lives.
The quest for independence typically begins somewhere around age 2. The "Terrible Twos" are all about children testing the limits in an attempt to take charge. Typically, the desire to be in charge is exhibited by resistance: running away to avoid getting dressed, refusing food, squirming ferociously when being strapped in a car seat, and saying ‘no’ frequently are all part of the journey towards independence. When children test the limits, they are also testing their parents' ability to be an effective leader.
Given the choice of working with a strong or a weak leader, most people prefer a strong leader. Without strong leadership, a business can descend into chaos. Families are no different. Someone must lead the family, and it absolutely should not be the children.
Unconditional Love and Strong Leadership
Unconditional love and strong leadership are essential to raising emotionally healthy, well-behaved children. Because children are children, they do not know what is in their best interest. Teaching them that their parents know what is in their best interest requires trust. A byproduct of unconditional parental love, trust is established during the first 2 years of life, when children are completely helpless and dependent on others for their care. Understandably, during this period of time, children need to be the center of attention, and their needs met in a timely manner.
Experiencing unconditional love and trust allows children to transition from being the center of attention to recognizing their parents as the leaders of the family. By age 3, children should be focusing more on their parents than their parents focus on them. This doesn't mean neglect, but rather not letting daily life always revolve around ensuring the children are constantly happy. Many parents today believe that giving more attention to their children makes them better parents. However, this teaches children that their wants and needs always take precedence. When children are the focal point, it prevents them from seeing their parents as the center of the family unit. Children who are hard to discipline view themselves, rather than their parents, as being in control.
During the year between ages 2 and 3, it is critical that parents establish expectations for appropriate behavior and implement consequences for misbehavior. It is a year that may be highlighted by a clash of will between parent and child. The parents must win the battle in order to effectively lay a strong foundation for a well-behaved child.
Parents are shepherds who have a responsibility to lead their sheep. A shepherd who allows sheep to take charge may end up with a lost herd.
Stay tuned for Part 2 - "Taking Charge"
© Sharon Knapp Lamberth, March 14, 2021
Enjoyed your article! So important that parents speak to their children from the beginning with respect. As the child grows, he/she will hopefully emulate that respect in stepping into independence. So much of parenting a child is about respect and balance!