Today, backtalk is one of the top concerns on the parent complaint list: rude comments made to someone in authority. Safe to say, almost every child will attempt to talk back at some point. When allowed to continue, it provides children with a level of control that is neither appropriate nor healthy.
Some adults see talking back as a natural part of growing up, as a way for children to assert their independence. Others argue that with adults ordering them around much of the time, children simply have to 'lash out' in their need to exert emotional power. Many parents, however, willingly attest to the fact that their children’s backtalk is literally sucking the joy right out of their homes.
Backtalk often slowly invades a family when disrespectful comments are regularly overlooked, tolerated, or accepted. Comments such as: “Why do I have to?" “I'm not going to do that," and “You can’t make me," may be accompanied by actions such as refusing to come when called, stomping off, and slamming doors, all of which undermine authority. Over time, backtalk empowers children. They become increasingly more surly, demanding, and difficult.
Make no mistake, children who talk back have been allowed to talk back. Parents at their wits' end must first recognize backtalk for what it is. For sustainable change to occur, recognition must be followed by an unwavering determination to put an end to the behavior.
So, how does one put an end to backtalk?
First, both parents need to agree on what constitutes backtalk and be equally committed to the goal of ending it. Collaboratively creating a list of inacceptable comments and behaviors that will no longer be tolerated ensures parental alignment.
Next, call a family meeting. Family meetings create a sense of heightened importance and allow children to see their parents as a unified front. Meetings should include all age-appropriate family members and take place with no outside distractions.
Finally, use the four steps outlined below to guide the meeting.
1. DEFINE THE PROBLEM:
At the outset of the meeting calmly, but firmly, state that as parents and the leaders of the family, the expectation for the meeting is that the children will thoughtfully listen without interrupting (your children need to feel the seriousness as well as the sincerity of your words).
State the purpose of the meeting: To address a problem that is crippling the family - Backtalk.
Clearly define (list) what you consider to be backtalk (Note: Some children may assume that their behavior is acceptable because it has been tolerated).
2. ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR ROLE AS PARENTS:
Take responsibility and apologize for allowing backtalk to occur.
Acknowledge that, as the leaders of the family, you have done the children a disservice and have a responsibility to ensure that the family changes course - a commitment you intend to keep.
3. IDENTIFY WHAT NEEDS TO CHANGE:
Provide each family member with a list of observed comments and behaviors that adversely impact family life and will no longer be tolerated.
In addition to comments and behaviors that are to discontinue, identify new expectations such as: respond when spoken to, speak in a respectful tone, listen without interrupting, etc.
Make sure your children understand that all expectations apply to everyone both in and outside of the home (whether other families have the same expectations or not).
Stay on point. Less talk is best.
4. HOLD CHILDREN ACCOUNTABLE:
State that you expect backtalk to cease immediately and that there will be consequences when it occurs.
Consequences will be determined on a case-by-case basis (not to be discussed at the family meeting).
[Close the meeting by reiterating that you have the family's best interest at heart and are committed to the goal of creating a more peaceful, healthier atmosphere.]
Keys Points for Parents:
Be sincere. Your child/children must feel your sincerity in order to believe that you are deeply committed to the mission.
Stand firm. Children will test to see if you mean what you say. Do not waver. Consistency is essential.
Discuss proper ways to disagree respectfully (teens). Be mindful that the teen years are a time to mentor (avoid an authoritative approach). Teens want and need to be heard but also need to understand that there may be some issues about which compromise will be an option and others not. Clarify acceptable ways for your teens to express their views.
Follow through with consequences. Though not the end-all-be-all, consequences serve a significant purpose in child-rearing. It is important that parents give thoughtful consideration when setting consequences for infractions. The most effective consequences are those that are most meaningful to the child. The child should be feeling the pain, not the parent(s). Keep in mind that after age 3 consequences do not have to be delivered immediately. Taking away an upcoming special event may have a much greater impact than being sent to bed early.
Keep your own behavior in check. Earning respect from your children is different from demanding it. The former is sustainable, the latter is not. Model what you want to see in your children.
Backtalk emotionally drains families. Replacing back talk with civility benefits everyone and serves as a gift to children.
© Sharon Knapp Lamberth, February. 12, 2021
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