Recently, within the span of one week, I observed parents yelling at, dragging, ignoring, threatening, and/or bribing their children to get them to behave. If these observations are an indication, there are more than a few parents today who find raising children more painful than pleasurable. Having spent my entire career around children and families, I find the level of ‘parental intolerance’ for childhood behaviors and lack of understanding as to how best to address those behaviors particularly concerning. No doubt, the children I saw (in stores, parking lots, eating establishments) were causing a scene. However, my history of working with children in public school classrooms taught me that there is typically more to the story.
Many parents seem to lack an understanding of the essence of being a parent, a role that requires placing your child’s needs above your own, particularly during the first 3 years of life. Making this commitment is more difficult today in our self-centered society, where distractions have become so commonplace they are no longer viewed as distractions, at least not by adults. Ironically, adults are the ones who seem to get the most irritated when their so-called ‘non-distractions’ are interrupted, particularly by children.
Children under age 3 do not consciously decide to irritate their parents. However, after age 3, if a child frequently fails to act or respond to parental instructions, it is often because they have not been properly taught. An inappropriate, ineffective parental response to a child’s negative behavior invites further inappropriate behavior from the child. It goes something like this: The parent reacts inappropriately to a child’s negative behavior by responding in one of three ways: 1) giving in to (indulging) the child, 2) bribing the child, or 3) coercing or intimidating the child into obedience by being loud, overbearing, and aggressive. These approaches may terminate the misbehavior in the short term but will not succeed in the long run because they do not help the child learn to manage his/her own behavior (self-discipline).
Self-discipline is key to proper behavior, and being responsible is key to self-discipline. In generations past, by age 12-13, children were more mature than most middle-schoolers today because of the emphasis on responsibility. Children were taught responsibility largely through the assignment of chores; chores that were vital to the family’s survival. They recognized that their role was an important, integral part of the family unit and, as such, had to pull their weight. This understanding fostered appreciation, loyalty, confidence, and, most importantly, character. Today, basic chores are not as critical to family survival. Assigning children chores and holding them accountable for completing those chores has diminished greatly and, along with it, the level of personal responsibility.
As many classroom teachers note, the current lack of personal responsibility and self-discipline among students is unparalleled (missing deadlines, failing to complete work, ignoring schedules, losing books, behaving inappropriately...). Teaching children to be responsible is the most effective way to instill self-discipline. When children possess self-discipline, they are far more likely to keep their behavior in check.
If indulging, bribing, or intimidating children are one's primary forms of parental discipline, the road ahead will only become more challenging. This is a call to action for parents to look in the mirror and reflect on how they want their children to view them and themselves. It is a call to commit to ending all yelling, threatening, bribing, giving in, and giving up, and start actively modeling what they want to ultimately see in their children. It is a call for parents to not only behave responsibly themselves but to consciously teach their children the importance of responsibility. Children learn how to be adults by watching adults.
Well-behaved children are happier children. Well-behaved children are well-behaved because their parents set clear expectations and hold them accountable. When children are not subject to intimidation, bribery, or indulgence, a level of respect that did not previously exist begins to emerge; one that can lead to a more peaceful, joyful parent-child relationship.
If spending time with your children feels more painful than pleasurable, it's your responsibility as the parent to alter the course. Start by revamping how the family functions on a daily basis. Every family member needs to contribute (chores!) and believe that their contributions are important, meaningful, and appreciated. Committing to changing the way in which you respond to your child(ren) can be life-altering for the entire family. There is no time like the present to chart a new course.
Here’s to more pleasurable days ahead!
© Sharon Knapp Lamberth, August 9, 2021
Comments