When it comes to raising children, I am reminded of the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears. In the tale, Goldilocks samples the food, chairs, and beds of the three bears and selects those that are “just right.” Mirroring the tale are three types of child-rearing practices: children who receive too much attention; those who receive too little attention; and those who receive a balanced portion.
TOO MUCH ATTENTION – (overindulged)
Overindulged children have an air about them. It is an air that, by the time they reach adulthood, may be perceived as arrogant, characterized by an offensive attitude of superiority and haughtiness. Frequently indulged by their parents, they tend to possess an overabundance of “things,” are self-centered, have difficulty sharing, and can be argumentative and moody. As they progress in age, backtalk worsens along with the tendency to challenge adult authority. Many become obsessed with brand names, begin wearing makeup prematurely (girls), have more freedom than their peers, and may brag to others about personal and family possessions, just to name a few. Overindulged children may flaunt a pseudo-sophistication that some peers find enviable and others obnoxious.
TOO LITTLE ATTENTION – (neglected)
In its most obvious form, parental neglect is reflected in a lack of basic hygiene. Decaying teeth, bad breath, body odor, malnutrition, and soiled or ill-fitting clothes can all be signs of neglect. Parents have a responsibility to care for their children. With the many additional resources available today, it is willful neglect not to reach out for assistance to ensure a child’s basic needs are met.
Some neglected children may present themselves appropriately as far as outward appearance (well-fitting clothes, shoes, cleanliness) but little else. These are the children whose parents choose not to attend school events, fail to turn in required forms, or attend parent-teacher conferences, etc. These are the parents whose children are frequently absent or regularly arrive at school late.
Allowing children to eat whatever and whenever they choose, set their own bedtimes, watch television at will, play video games without restriction, and observe inappropriate adult conversations and behavior are examples of child-rearing practices that can result in unhealthy outcomes for children. Permitting children to make decisions for which they do not possess mental or emotional maturity can also be considered neglect. These potentially harmful child-rearing practices tend to fall on a continuum, with the pitfalls often unrecognized or misinterpreted by the parents.
Overly indulged and neglected children often struggle to succeed because both groups lack proper adult guidance. Schools are filled with children who struggle daily to successfully cope with social and academic expectations. Some fail to adequately cope because they were never required to, while others struggle because they are emotionally drained from having to cope for so long without proper adult leadership. Neither group has had their needs met in a healthy way. They appear in schools undisciplined and unprepared for the expectations and structure necessary for learning. As these children move through the educational system, their performance and behavior often decline, leaving their misguided parents baffled, blaming the school for “not doing its job.”
JUST RIGHT – (‘pretty darn close’)
There is no such thing as "just right" parenting. Every parent makes mistakes. Nonetheless, by successfully instilling positive behavior expectations and holding children accountable for their actions, parents establish the groundwork for a child’s emotional health and future success in school and life: following instructions, adhering to rules, showing personal responsibility, and consistently showing respect for others and themselves.
The top child-rearing priority should be character development. The most effective way for parents to prepare their children to successfully navigate life is to identify early on the character attributes they want to see in their children 20 years down the road and model those traits daily. Actively demonstrate the importance of setting goals, being resilient in the face of adversity, and persevering when things don't go as planned. Instill in children that it is not what we get in life, rather what we give, that brings true fulfillment. Simply stated: Be the adult version you hope to someday see in your child.
Because humans possess free will, there are no guarantees when it comes to child-rearing. The best parenting does not guarantee a successful outcome, and the worst parenting does not guarantee a poor outcome. Yet, at some point, after the child-rearing journey has ended, parents who have effectively provided unconditional love and strong leadership may just discover that they got ‘pretty darn close.’
© Sharon Knapp Lamberth, April 10, 2021
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Loved the Goldilocks article! Such an important topic. Unfortunately, students in today's classroom who fall into either the "overindulged" child category or "neglected" child category take every bit of the teacher's energy and oxygen from the room (mostly due to behavior issues). Those children who are fortunate enough to have 'just enough' attention from their parents are really on their own for much of the time in school. Those parents need to be aware of this and help their child understand this difference in their peers and encourage self motivation skills early on!